People-pleasing Challenges and Themes
People-pleasing tendencies
People-pleasing is not just about being nice to others or a stereotypical doormat. It is a deeply ingrained way of relating that can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted, unfulfilled or disconnected from yourself and others.
Beginning in childhood, you may have learned that putting others’ needs first felt safer and helped you stay connected to your caregivers. In trauma theory, this is sometimes described as 'please and appease', a protective response that sits alongside fight, flight and freeze.
As an adult, people-pleasing can leave you feeling drained or anxious, and uncertain about how to express yourself or handle conflict. It can also keep you stuck in roles or relationships that feel unfulfilling.
People-pleasing can look like:
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Difficulty saying no and setting boundaries
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Giving too much of your time, energy and attention
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Struggling to express yourself or take up space
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Difficulty asserting your needs in relationships
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Anxiety and discomfort about upsetting others
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Avoiding or feeling anxious about conflict
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Feeling responsible for others' emotions
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Exhaustion from masking or attending to others' needs
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Low self-esteem or harsh self-criticism
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Feeling unseen, unappreciated or emotionally unmet
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Staying in roles or relationships that feel unfulfilling
Boundaries
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Difficulty saying no
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Staying quiet when uncomfortable
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Doing more than you want to keep others happy
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Feeling there isn't enough time or space for yourself
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Letting others set the tone or direction of relationships
Self-expression
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Difficulty expressing opinions, feelings or needs
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Feeling unseen or overlooked, especially in groups
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Anxiety about sharing or saying too much
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Worrying about your impact on others
Conflict
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Anxiety or discomfort during conflict
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Avoiding disagreements or upsetting others
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Worrying that others will be angry or disappointed
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Preferring to keep the peace rather than speaking up
Self-Esteem
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Devaluing yourself or your experience, feeling that others matter more
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Being overly critical or harsh towards yourself
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Discomfort with vulnerability or making mistakes
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Feelings of shame or a sense of not being enough
How can therapy help?
Therapy offers a safe and supportive space to better understand yourself and your experiences.
Together, we can explore the thoughts, feelings, and behavioural patterns that keep you feeling stuck or disconnected from your own needs.
We’ll look at how people-pleasing shows up in your daily life and find practical ways to express yourself more, set boundaries, and feel more comfortable putting yourself first.
Awareness
Together we can explore the experiences that shaped how you relate to others and the ways people-pleasing now affects your life.
With care and support, we can process the guilt, fear or shame that often arise when you begin putting yourself first.
Developing a deeper understanding of these patterns can create more flexibility, clarity and choice in how you respond.
Self-Expression
People-pleasing can make it difficult to express yourself, set boundaries or put your own needs first.
Therapy offers a safe space to explore the fears and emotions that hold you back from expressing yourself more fully.
Together we can build your confidence in communicating more openly, setting boundaries and asserting your needs in relationships. This can help you feel more at ease with yourself and more connected to others.
Connection
People-pleasing often means focusing on others while neglecting your own needs and feelings.
Therapy offers space to reconnect with the parts of yourself you may have minimised, dismissed or found hard to sit with.
As you become more accepting of yourself, you can feel more present in your relationships and have deeper and more fulfilling connections.
Self-Worth
People-pleasing can leave you feeling that others matter more and that your own needs or emotions are less important. You may feel undeserving of care or attention.
Therapy can help you develop a stronger sense of self-worth, creating more balance within yourself and in your relationships.
As your relationship with yourself becomes kinder and more supportive, self-criticism and shame can soften, making it easier to assert yourself and feel more at ease with who you are.
